This is my place holder post because nearly five years later, I am finally taking the plunge and making a radical decision whose consequences are hard to forecast at this point. No, I’m not getting a divorce. It is too complicated and messy and would ruin the kids. Several years of me always being the initiator and getting rejected and being given strict conditions for sex and the hoops being held higher and higher every time I jumped through the previous ones, after expressing my dissatisfaction with our sex life and discussing the matter ad nauseam and still being accused of being the reason for the dead bedroom, after numerous half hearted attempts at stepping out that left me feeling more hollow than the marriage was making me feel, I have finally decided to throw all caution to the wind and have one afternoon of illicit sex. My partner has communicated severally how he feels the marriage is over, even said he’s thinking about separation but I wasn’t sure about the seriousness of the latter.
The last time we had sex (about a month ago) was at my insistence after we had gone almost three months without and he spoke through it about how he had so many constraining factors that it killed the mood. There’s so much I could type about how I arrived at my decision.
For some reason, I was convinced that no one would want a 33 year old mother of two, turns out plenty of men think I’m pretty hot stuff and would crawl through shattered glass to knock my boots. I’m more angry at myself for wasting almost ten years of my life with subpar sex when sex is top on my priority list than I am guilty or remorseful. I am going into this sober and level headed and intend to have no regrets, whether the sex is bad or good. Call it an exit affair if you will. I hate that it’s ending because even though I have consistently griped about my unhappiness, I love this man, he is good father and a good man, just not to me. Conversation is great, it’s the sex and communication issues that are causing the rift. Anything I say he misconstrues as an argument. Yesterday I suggested we hold on a little longer on a particular decision but he felt we should make the decision sooner. Something as simple as this led to a shouting match where he repeatedly yelled at me in front of our child: “ARE YOU INSANE??!!!”
In that moment, I knew. I have always had several moments where I’m cowering in a shell and he’s shouting at me where I have simply shut my mind off and thought to myself happily “one day I will cheat on this man and I will love it and will have no regrets” Welp. I guess the day has come I can’t stress how much it breaks my heart to have been reduced to soliciting men when I have a partner that vowed to take care of my needs. Oh well, it is what it is.
Say the cheater’s prayer for me because my life depends on not getting caught.
terrifiedbride 